farters have to be the big spoon...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize