Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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