the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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