you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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