Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
