I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
