what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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