Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize