Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
