i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
