She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
