Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
