I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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