I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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