its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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