she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize