I accidentally burped into my bong.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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