officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize