You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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