If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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