I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
