just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
