She's JV to your varsity
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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