last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He did a backflip because drugs
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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