Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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