seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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