I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
