I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
His hands were made for my vagina.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
