So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize