Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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