I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
His hands were made for my vagina.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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