Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
