My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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