That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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