Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
