As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
