i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize