I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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