umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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