seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
