Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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