So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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