Your face is a jimmy john
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
