You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
