hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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