I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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