What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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