My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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