well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
