you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
