we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
