Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
