my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He kissed a someone with a penis
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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