Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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