Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
