Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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