hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
