I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
