I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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